Back From the Abyss

My story of recovery surprisingly (even to me) does not involve any kind of treatment center or counseling; in fact, I was never officially diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. I graduated from Auburn with honors and moved back to my hometown for my first job. I got busy with life and all the stress that my first job brought. And my parents continued to urge me to eat. I believe that anorexia is a disease that can be best nurtured by those that have alot of time to focus on themselves. Fortunately for me, I became busy and simply wasn't able to do some of the things (multiple work out sessions, serious food restriction, etc.) that I did back in college. As the weight gradually came back on in my 22nd year, my face bloated. This was a very hard thing for me to accept, as I felt it made me look "fat." Here I am below with that puffy face.

Summer 2001

Around age 23, I really began to feel back to "normal." I no longer worried so much about what I was eating. Though I was still a vegetarian then, my other food restrictions were lessening. It was around this period that I also began marathoning. I truly believe that running at the marathon level took some of that compulsive behavior (restrictive eating) and funneled it into a socially acceptable pathway (marathons). Marathon running, I think, will always be a little bit about my perfectionism. It is not just fun for me; it is not just a means of fitness. It channels my drive to push myself. Everyone would say that severe food restriction is bad. Many, many runners see nothing wrong with running high mileage, closely watching what we eat, constant weighing, etc. So the challenge for me becomes drawing my own lines in the sand in the right places for me.
Space Academy for Educators in the Summer of 2001 was a turning point in my life. These two pictures show a Katie that was beginning to look healthy and to feel happy again.

Fast forward again to 2006, when my husband and I were expecting our first child. One of the amazing things about anorexia is that any temporary "kinks" you throw in your reproductive system while you are starving can fix themselves when you gain weight back. I wanted a healthy baby more than I wanted anything else in life--more than being thin. A step in my recovery was to stop weighing myself. The number on the scale usually started me on the dieting and over-exercising path each time I didn't like what I saw. Yet I had successfully gone from a size 0 to a size 2-4 and felt okay with that. I kept those clothes in my closet and, as long as they fit, I knew I was doing fine. But I worried about what "getting fat" during pregnancy would do to my mind. After much thought, I decided that I wanted to see what the scale said through the nine months of pregnancy, for my own health and for memory's sake. As it turns out, I loved my first pregnancy and took a healthy break from running and gained 31 pounds. I happily ended that pregnancy at 154 pounds. Here I am the day I went into labor with my son:

June 30, 2006 Laboring at home

After having my son, body image issues did come back as I struggled to fit into old clothes and to run somewhat competitively again. I didn't restrict my eating, but I didn't like how I looked. Here is a picture from the Big Spring Jam 5K almost four months after I gave birth.

September 2006--Barely fit into the racing outfit

My journey back to health would not have been possible without God by my side. Through His awesome grace, He blessed us with a second pregnancy only five and a half months after our son was born. And this time, we had a little girl. I happily gained 37 pounds through this pregnancy and weighed 162 pounds, my highest weight ever.

August 2007

After my daughter's birth, I had a very hard time taking the weight off and finding "the old me." I am almost three and a half years into this part of my journey. In 2010, I was blessed again with an awesome diverse group of girls with which to run. They have encouraged and inspired me to get into better shape. And they see me as the runner I am today. They help me to quiet the voices that still whisper, "You are fat." I know that I have a support system of people who love me--these friends, my husband, and my family. So I work to find the balance between running and eating that works for me. This has included adding meat back to my diet (I missed you, Chick-Fil-A nuggets!), throwing out the scale (and, I think, on a related note, not logging miles), allowing myself to eat any food guilt-free, and gaining a new acceptance of this well-spent body.

*

Body image and runners will always be a tricky mix. Sometimes runs with my friends end up feeling like confessionals where we divulge all of our eating "sins" from the previous days. Runners size each other up before races, making judgments of times based on physiques. We gloat about refusing a dessert like it is a medal-deserving decision. We run a 20-miler and then enjoy a day of "guilt-free eating" as a result. We learn to tune out with mantras as we inflict pain on ourselves during runs. And we love watching our numbers as they change in our favor--our race times, our mileage, our weight. Anorexics just don't have the ability to say, "That's enough. You can stop begin so hard on yourself now." But since many anorexic behaviors are seen as strengths by runners, the line between healthy and not is often blurred. Battles wage every day in the minds of the anorexic to find the balance.

*

I have to make a conscientious effort each day to not let a negative body image engulf me. I am no longer that rail-thin gaunt looking teenager. I am a muscular marathon runner and a mother of two. It helps that I have a husband who loves me for who I am, strong runner's legs and all, and to know that the extra pooch on my tummy is the result of carrying two babies and not something to abhor, starve, or run off. I have learned to enjoy my body as it has taken me, happily spent, across the finish lines of almost 30 marathons and ultramarathons and dozens and dozens of other races too. May it hold up for many more! I have learned to love the fuel that is food, of every kind and quantity, and to eat it with pleasure. I no longer hate who I see in the mirror, for I know that this vessel, this shell is only one very small piece of who I am.

*

As I look back at my life, I can say that I am thankful that I went through the past nearly fifteen years of ups and downs in my weight. With the wisdom that has come from overcoming anorexia, I hope I can help others avoid the mistakes that I've made, to climb their own way out from the abyss. I wholeheartedly believe the expression that I find myself chanting during the later miles of the marathon, "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger." My life experiences have shaped me, and I would not trade the bad in for good. This is who I am. And anorexia will always be a part of that picture.

Where It Began

So most runners run to stay fit, and some run to lose weight. No big news there, right? I even think many fit runners want to lose just a few pounds here or there, and it's charts like this one that make us all aspire to lose just a little bit more. Who wouldn't want to lose 10 pounds and run nearly nine minutes faster in the marathon as a result? But back in my college years, I took dieting to an extreme. Running was the catalyst in my extreme weight loss. Before long, anorexia nervosa had begun to take hold of me. Here is the story of how it happened.

Healthy weight at eighteenth birthday party in 1995, right before leaving for college

I was a typical college freshman at Auburn University in 1995, and, like most freshman, I gained the dreaded "Freshman 15" while enjoying the usual college dorm food. I probably got at the most up to about 130 pounds, and I am 5'5"--not overweight by any means, but big enough that my size 5 clothes were fitting too tight and I felt bigger all over. So, when I signed up for a running class for credit in the Spring of my freshman year, I was ecstatic to have found a way to earn an easy A while also working myself back into shape. I excelled in the class and earned many bonus points for running in Auburn's local races outside of our usual runs during class time. My roommate at the time was a nice girl who was a runner and a health-conscious eater as well. After the class ended, I began running with her on a regular basis (something like 4-5 miles a day) and adopted some of her eating habits.

But then, little by little, I began taking things just one step too far. I had always been very perfectionistic and competitive as a child and teenager-- very hard on myself and very eager to please. I was the kind of student who would get so worried before Chemistry tests that I would be sick beforehand. And I hated anything less than an A; in fact, I never earned less than an A all through high school and college. As I began losing the weight, I started feeling better about myself and also began getting some good attention as well. And suddenly eating had become the enemy, and running, my best friend. I kept a diary all through college, and here are some of the more telling entries from that period:

October 14, 1995 "I've had a good couple of days. I ran the Auburn Fall 5K with {roommate's name} and we got 26:40. We didn't stop at all!"

October 13, 1996 "Tonight, {my sister},{my roommate}, and I went out for ice cream. We started talking about weight and stuff. {Roommate} weighs 123 and I weigh 116. I feel better about my body now. I will try to eat good--but in this crazy life I have trouble."

December 20, 1996 "All of the holiday cookies and sweets around the house are driving me crazy! I hope I don't gain any weight or only a few pounds. I'm at 110 (with clothes)."

April 28, 1997 "Today began at 7:15 a.m. when {Roommate} and I went to work out (stairmaster-35 min.) at the Student Act [Students Activities Center]. She made me weigh myself (her-120, me-100) and then freaked out and told me to start eating more fat. I think it's ironic that she's the one that makes me feel guilty when I do eat fat."

April 1997 --A year and a half since the picture above

June 27, 1997 "My biggest (hugest, HUGEST) problem since I have been home is my weight and eating habits. I am obsessed! I only allow myself certain foods for b'fast and lunch (fat-free yogurt, fruit, graham crackers for b'fast--combo of 2; salad and pretzels for lunch). Then I feel guilty at night and torture myself with guilty feelings if I snack. Why? I weigh about 90 now, and I know I have a problem. I run 4 miles everyday or I feel bad, but I'm really tired when I run. Everyone at work asks if I lost weight, if I was sick, what do I eat, etc. I HATE it."

Summer 1997

June 4, 1998 "Today I weighed 100 at the Student Act. I'm proud but also upset that I'm letting this happen again. I eat only fruits and vegetables most days and it makes me feel good throwing out fatty food."

February 21, 1999 "I feel like I need to get this out--I've been feeling fat again lately."

Twenty-first birthday--three years into the disease and after many ups and downs

Before I knew it, I had become anorexic. I had heard about anorexia nervosa back in high school when a teacher showed us a movie called The Karen Carpenter Story. But back in high school, I never thought that would happen to me and never aspired to it at all. When I started losing the weight, I bought a book on anorexia and realized that I showed most of the symptoms even though I wanted to stop. I remember being so tired of getting on the scale, "measuring" my arms (I would encircle my thumb and middle finger around my upper arm right above my elbow as a means to "check" myself), restricting my food, being cold, being stared at, etc. Still, each morning, I felt a strong desire to get up and run (even though I had absolutely no energy) and to continue the day with my strange eating patterns.
My family was so worried for me but didn't know how to "fix" me. My heart aches now for all of the pain I put them through, and it hurts for all of the young girls (and boys) living this way right now. Even the memory is so unpleasant to me that I put off writing this (and put off thinking about this stage of my life) for a very long time. Still, the process has been cathartic to me and, it is my hope, may also be helpful to someone else reading this. My story does not end here.
Before I continue with my second post, I wanted to share some of my research. I went through a list from this website to review the definition and symptoms again and see how many related to me at that time. It states:
Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder that causes people to obsess about their weight and the food they eat. People with anorexia nervosa attempt to maintain a weight that's far below normal for their age and height. To prevent weight gain or to continue losing weight, people with anorexia nervosa may starve themselves or exercise excessively.
Anorexia (an-oh-REK-see-uh) nervosa isn't really about food. It's an unhealthy way to try to cope with emotional problems. When you have anorexia nervosa, you often equate thinness with self-worth.

Physical signs and symptoms of anorexia include:
(I added the asterisks to the ones that applied to me and added my comments next to the items)
*Extreme weight loss (I went from about 130 to around 90)
*Thin appearance
*Abnormal blood counts (Around age 21, I tried giving blood and was anemic. This was when I was also not eating meat)
*Fatigue
*Insomnia
Dizziness or fainting
A bluish discoloration of the fingers
*Brittle nails
*Hair that thins, breaks or falls out
*Soft, downy hair covering the body (This was very apparent and hard to hide)
*Absence of menstruation (Lost periods for over a year and then they were hit-or-miss)
Constipation
*Dry skin
*Intolerance of cold (AC in the summer was always too cold)
Irregular heart rhythms
Low blood pressure
Dehydration
*Osteoporosis
Swelling of arms or legs

Emotional and behavioral characteristics associated with anorexia include:
*Refusal to eat (I did not eat breakfast or snack, so I normally ate only two meals a day. I tried counting calories and aimed for 1000 calories or under, and very few fat grams a day)
*Denial of hunger (I actually lost the ability to feel hungry after awhile)
*Excessive exercise
*Flat mood, or lack of emotion
*Social withdrawal
*Irritability
*Preoccupation with food (I dreamed about food and often wrote what I ate in my diary)
Reduced interest in sex
*Depressed mood
Possible use of herbal products or diet aids

If you're concerned that a loved one may have anorexia, watch for these possible red flags:
*Skipping meals
*Making excuses for not eating
*Eating only a few certain "safe" foods, usually those low in fat and calories (This is how I began shunning meat. I was a vegetarian for years and loved how "in control" it felt to not eat meat. I also ate only fat-free dairy. I loved anything fat-free since it felt "safer." Rice cakes and olestra fat-free chips were a big splurge for me. I could eat the whole package of each in a sitting.)
Adopting rigid meal or eating rituals, such as cutting food into tiny pieces or spitting food out after chewing
Cooking elaborate meals for others but refusing to eat
*Repeated weighing of themselves
*Frequent checking in the mirror for perceived flaws
Complaining about being fat
*Not wanting to eat in public (I would purposefully avoid eating out with friends because I didn't know what was "safe" on the menu. I lost many friends that way.)

I overcame each of these terrible symptoms. Running is now my release, my joy, a great source of my happiness. And I have learned to overcome my unhealthy food habits.

Tune in for the second part of my story where I share my recovery.